i just have nightmares
by thequeenofokay
Summary: In her nightmare she sees a gun at her stomach, she feels the sharp, sudden jolt of the first shot, and then the duller ache of the second. She sees blood, covering everything, consuming her in red, and in her dreams the team never saves her. / / In which both Skye and Ward are trying to deal with the aftermath of trauma.


**notes:**

_+ you've no idea how angry that episode made me._

_+ so angry._

_+ anyway. i originally had the idea for Skye to have PTSD and Grant to help her before i saw that episode, and i decided to smoosh it in with Grant experiencing something similar after what he went through with Lorelei. plus i feel like the show is never going to address it, and i really need someone - preferably Skye, because she is the one who i feel is closest to him and understands him best - to try and help him._

_+ i don't think i quite got down everything i wanted to, and as i have no real experience with these things, i may have written it really wrong. if i did please tell me. it's a pretty serious subject and i don't want to in any way misrepresent it. it's also a bit of a mess, because i really wanted to just get it down and i wrote it in about half an hour and hardly read over it. so again, let me know if you find mistakes._

_+ title from "staying up" by the neighbourhood._

_+ unbetad, i'm still too lazy._

* * *

Simmons lets her out of the little sick bay the day after Sif returns to Asgard with Lorelei. She tells them she's fine. She feels like they might even believe her. She is. Mostly. Sometimes she feels a sharp tug in her stomach when she tries to walk up stairs, and her legs get shaky if she stands up for too long, but she's fine.

She can deal with the pain. The real problem is the dreams. They come every night now that she doesn't have Simmons sleeping drugs to keep her sleep black.

In her nightmare she sees a gun at her stomach, she feels the sharp, sudden jolt of the first shot, and then the duller ache of the second. She sees blood, covering everything, consuming her in red, and in her dreams the team never saves her.

She stops going to bed. She stays up on her laptop, numbing her senses with stupid YouTube videos, angry forum posts and a lot of coffee.

At first she is alone in her all-nighters, but then Ward begins to join her. He sits with a book on the sofa. He doesn't speak. She thinks at first it is because he is too busy reading to register she's there. He's done that before. She realises that he never turns the page.

She doesn't speak to him, either. She gives him a little smile when he first sits down, but she thinks that he'll try and send her to bed.

And things are different now. He's treating her like a china doll. No matter how much she insists that she's fine, he'll not let her do a single push up. He's distant. He used to move her into the right positions, but now he puts as much distance between them as he can and instructs her quietly from the other side of the room.

She thought they'd agreed it wouldn't be like this. Something changed while he was under Lorelei's spell.

Honestly, though, she's starting to question herself. Maybe she isn't ready for training. Every time she hears a loud noise she jumps a foot in the air and can't get her breathing to steady for five minutes.

She thinks, at first, nobody has noticed, but she can't think it any longer when she does it in training and Ward is staring straight at her.

Her sleeping habits are getting unsustainable. She messes up on a mission. Sends the team the wrong way because she can't remember right from left and the screen in front of her looks different every time she blinks. They lose the suspect but are far too easy on her.

Enough is enough.

"Ward," she says, that night. He looks at her from the other sofa. Doesn't reply. She goes on. "Sorry about today."

"It wasn't your fault," he tells her. He doesn't looks at her, but keeps staring at the page she knows he isn't reading.

"It was. I'm sorry. It was stupid. I need to get over myself," she says. Guilt is wrapping her up. She wants to go on. Apologise again for going into Quinn's place in the first place, being such an idiot.

"Stop," he says sharply, finally looking at her. "You have to stop. This isn't your fault. It's natural to feel like you do after you've had a serious trauma."

It helps a little bit. But then she feels a whole lot worse, but not for herself. For him. Why is he here?

"Ward," she whispers, not able to manage anything more. "Are you okay?"

He frowns at her. "What?"

"I'm not the only one who isn't sleeping."

He doesn't say anything.

"Grant?" she tries again. "What happened?" She doesn't know the full story. Just that he was under her spell.

He looks at her for a long moment, with a look that makes her heart ache. "I let her have my secrets. I attacked May. I slept with the enemy. I betrayed my team," he tells her quietly.

Skye's stomach drops. It takes her a moment to process it all, and she feels like a bit of an idiot. She didn't have her free will stolen, she wasn't _raped_. "Oh god, Ward. You blame yourself?" she whispers.

"I should have stopped it."

"You couldn't have," she tells him. She's rubbish at this comforting thing. She wants to get up and hug him, but given how he's been the past few days, he might not take it well. "Don't say that, you couldn't have stopped it. No one can, okay? This isn't your fault. Lorelei…" Skye swallows, unsure how to put what she wants to say in a way that he will take. "Lorelei is a terrible person. It is _her_ fault. You are a _good_ person, and you would never have done any of those things if you had your own free will. Right?"

He nods, a little reluctantly. Skye doesn't know if she's helping.

"Okay. So don't you _dare_ apologise."

"Only if you take your own advice," he says back.

Skye nods, just as reluctant. There will always be a little black pit of guilt in her stomach for being such an idiot, but she tries to push it away.

"Why can't you sleep?" Ward asks, breaking the silence that has fallen over them again.

"Nightmare," she replies. "I see blood every time I close my eyes. I'm alone, and…" she breaks off, shivering. "You?"

"I dream about what I did," he says, quietly. And…" he begins. "And about, you know. My childhood."

Skye nods quietly to say she understands. "Maybe we can just be screwed up together then," she says. She tries for a smile.

He matches her with an equally weak smile. "Sounds like a plan."

Skye stands up. "I need to try and sleep. You should too."

He follows her to her bunk. They stop outside it, staring at each other. "If you think it would help," Skye begins, "you can sleep with me." She doesn't even bother making a joke about possible dirty interpretations of her words. He knows what she means. "If you think it would help to not be alone."

"It would help." He's so quiet. It's a little disconcerting.

She slides the door open, climbs into the bed. It is a little too small for both of them. She is half on top of him. She tries to pretend she doesn't feel him shiver at her touch.

She sleeps, and dreams of blood, blood, blood. But she wakes and feels warmth around her, and when she sleeps again she dreams the same dream, but this time the team makes it on time.

(He dreams of Lorelei. He dreams of her looming over him, but this time that is as far as it gets. He dreams of pointing a gun at May at her orders, and her face morphs into Skye, like it always does. He doesn't pull the trigger this time.)


End file.
